Emori Kimidori
by superstarultra
Summary: When she discovers what a useless minor character she is, Emiri Kimidori does the unthinkable... SHE GOES EMO! Can Kyon and the others snap her out of it or will Emiri be doomed to a life of razorblades, bad poetry, and eyeliner? ...Maybe.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, because of a generous review from ****Nerebird and some thoughts I've had, I've decided to post Chapters 28-30 of my current story "You Got HaruhiRolled!" as its own fic. Let's give Emiri the praise she so rightly deserves. Or ridicule. Oh, well. It's the first Emiri-centric fic ever. Take what you can get. Have fun.**

**Once again, credit goes to ObsidianWarrior for providing me with some song lyrics from Marilyn Mansion. Thanks! **

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"WOO-HOO! I WON!"

"Shoot!"

Haruhi and Kyon were engaged in a serious struggle in their classroom. That struggle was in fact a children's card game. Around them, Mikuru, Yuki, Itsuki and several others watched the game with an ongoing interest. The score was Haruhi:7 and Kyon:4.

"Ready to give, Kyon?" Haruhi asked with a smug, little grin etched on her face.

Kyon frowned at the Ultra Director. "Just let me shuffle the cards and I'll take you to school."

They began their twelfth match that day. Just as Kyon was about to slap down a trap card when...

"Hello, everyone!" chirped a cheery voice.

Haruhi grimaced and looked at the voice's owner. "Hello, Emiri."

Emiri Kimidori stood at their table smiling happily. She waved energetically at Yuki, Itsuki, and Mikuru.

"How's everybody doing!" she exclaimed.

"Good," said Mikuru.

"Fine," said Itsuki.

"......Pleasant," said Yuki.

Kyon looked at Emiri and gave her a charming smile. "Good day, Miss Kimidori."

Emiri smiled back at him before observing the card game. "What are you playing?"

"Duel Monsters," muttered Haruhi.

"Oh! That's sounds like fun! Can I play?" asked the girl with the light-green hair.

In response, Haruhi set down her cards and gave her a smarmy smile.

"Oooooooohhhhh... I'm so sorry, Emiri. Main characters only. You understand right?"

Emiri's cheerful expression disappeared and was replaced with one of hurt. "Wha... What do you mean by that?

"What she means, Kimidori," Itsuki interrupted, "Is that you're a minor character. As the main characters of this series, we can't afford to be seen with such riff-raff."

Emiri was mortified. She turned and saw that also sitting around the table was Taniguchi, Kunikida, Tsuruya, Ryoko, and Kyon's sister for some reason. They all waved at her.

"But they're all minor characters too! Why are you excluding me?!" she shouted.

"They've all had time to gain popularity on the internet," explained Haruhi. "And each of them has had more than two minutes of screen. Even the Computer Club President and his band of geeks have had more character development than you."

"T-T-That can't be..." Emiri stuttered.

Haruhi grinned at her. "Actually... it is. Now why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here. Or else we will all be forced to throw produce at you."

After an uncomfortable amount of silence, Haruhi looked at Kyon (who had completely shocked look on his face at the actions of his friends), Itsuki, Mikuru, Yuki, and everyone else in the room. Then she shrugged.

"Ah, what the hell."

Emiri was soon dashing out of the room to avoid being struck by tomatoes, watermelons, pineapples, and pumpkins. Soon the room was full of cruel, mocking laughter.

"Didja see her run? What an idiot!" laughed Tsuruya, who was leaning against a giggling Mikuru.

"Yeah! Like she ever had a chance at hanging out with us!" chuckled Ryoko. Even Yuki was smirking.

"I can't believe you all!" Kyon shouted, standing out of his chair. "Miss Kimidori was only asking to play a simple game with us and you all humiliate her! That's sick!"

"Oh relax, Kyon!" Haruhi barked at him. "Emiri will eventually learn to accept her fate as a background character. It's the way of life. What's the worst that could happen?"

***

In a tiny apartment across town, Emiri Kimidori was curled up in a ball on her bed, sobbing her artificial heart out.

"Why were they all so mean to me?! I just wanted to make some friends! Why does everyone hate me!? Is being unpopular a crime? WHY CAN'T I EVER HAVE ANYTHING MY WAY!!!"

Deep down, Emiri knew that everyone at school resented her. She hadn't even done anything to anyone and it still made her unpopular! She was the most forgettable character in the whole show. She was higher ranked than Yuki and Ryoko, and even they treated her like a nuisance. Her image song was collecting dust in bargain bins and every time someone posted a 'Which Haruhi Girls Would I Do?' video on YouTube, she was always listed as 'who?'.

The worst blow came when the Haruhi-chan series came out. No one told her about it. She had to go to Wikipedia to find out about it. She hadn't been shelved, though. Oh no. She'd been replaced.

By a FUCKING balloon animal.

With a terrible scream, Emiri began tossing furniture around the room and shattering anything remotely fragile. She flipped her bed off the ground and punched a hole in the wall. After about ten minutes of destruction, Emiri plopped herself onto the floor, breathing heavily. She was exhausted. With a wave of her hands, everything in the room was back in its proper place and good as new.

"That didn't solve anything. I'm still the series most unlikeable character... besides Haruhi and Mikuru. If only there was some way I could get people's attention... Some way to get them to notice me..." Emiri mused.

Suddenly, the Humanoid Interface was hit with a stroke of brilliance.

"I know just what do to! I'll reinvent myself to be more interesting! They'll like me then!"

Emiri skipped over to her computer and booted up the internet. After a few minutes of browsing, she found what she needed: a site that had a list of every known possible high school stereotype. She began to leaf through them.

"Let's see here... I need a new persona if I want to be noticed. I'm too pretty to be a nerd, but not pretty enough to be a slut... There's already too many fast girls on the track team... I don't know where to find a good dealer, so being a burnout is out of the question... Hmmm........................................... Oh! Wait a second!"

Emiri leaned in close to the computer screen and began to read the paragraph. After about half an hour of research, she smiled.

"This is perfect for me! I already hate my life and I've never seen one at our school before so that'll make me a trailblazer! People will notice me then! Time to get to work!"

And so Emiri left her apartment and warped herself to America in order to seek out the store known as Hot Topic.

***

**The Next Day at School...**

***

It was lunchtime and the SOS Brigade had gathered in the clubroom along with their honorary members (sans Kyon's sister) for a meeting. Surprisingly, it was Kyon who had called the meeting and not Haruhi. Needless to say, Haruhi was peeved.

"Who gave you the authorization to call a meeting without my knowledge! This is treason you know!" Haruhi bellowed.

Kyon shot her a nasty look. "You were all complete bullies to Miss Kimidori the other day! Therefore, I have arranged this meeting so that you can all apologize to her."

Kyon was met with a few 'What!'s and 'Oh brother...'s, but he didn't care. He was more of an acquaintance to Emiri than a best friend, but he always said hello to her and sometimes ate lunch with her. Haruhi and everyone else's behavior yesterday was appalling and he couldn't let Emiri go around thinking she was a waste of skin and bones. Or data.

Haruhi was a bit more vocal about her disappointment. "Why the hell should we apologize to that nobody? Give me one good reason!"

Kyon gave her a knowing smirk and said in a voice only she could hear, "Because Haruhi... I know you wouldn't want me to pass around copies of that picture of you in a certain pose? Remember? You came by my house to visit me while my parents and sister were out. Then you sent me get your camera fixed, because you were too tired? So you said were gonna take a nap on my couch while I was gone. But then I forgot my wallet and had to come back inside. And what do I find? You were holding a jar of peanut butter in one hand and Shamisen in the other, while standing in your underwear in my living room. Then it turns out the camera did work! Hmm? Remember that?"

Haruhi's eyes bugged out, her face reddened, and she hissed, "You told me you burned that picture..."

Kyon smiled. "I lied."

Gritting her teeth, Haruhi spun around to address the rest of the Brigade with a phony smile. "People! Kyon is right! We have to make things right with Emiri! Who's with me!"

Seeing that Haruhi was willing to help out seemed to perk up everyone. Kyon smiled, despite the fact that Haruhi was undoubtedly going to violently murder him after this was over. Was it his fault she harbored such a disgusting, shameful secret? Just then, a flash of pale green went by the open clubroom door.

"There she is, guys. Now just act nice and complement her as much as you can, okay?" asked Haruhi. Everyone nodded in unison as Haruhi walked out the door after Emiri.

"Hey there, Emiri!" they heard Haruhi say energetically. "How are- WHOA!!!"

Confused, everyone else filed out into the hallway to see what had happened. They saw Haruhi standing with her jaws gaping. Then they all looked at Emiri. Everyone almost fainted. For it was not the Emiri Kimidori they had grown accustomed to.

Emiri was, for once, wearing her cardigan, but that wasn't the only change. Her hair had been dyed completely black, though they were six streaks of her original green hairstyle in the back. The yellow hairclips she always wore had been replaced with tiny, silver, skull-shaped hairclips with tiny rubies in their eye sockets. Emiri's eyes sported some violet eyeliner beneath them and her fingernails had been painted black. She was also holding her schoolbag which was decorated with a poster of some person with pale skin and black hair. In the other hand, she clutched a handful pages with some notes scribbled on them.

"Hello," Emiri said icily.

"Hi," said everyone else.

They just sort of stared at her until Kyon spoke up. "H-Hey there, Miss Kimidori. Did you... do something with your hair?"

Emiri moved her head to the side as if she were examining him. "Why yes, Kyon. I decided that green wasn't really working out for me, so I dyed it. I did keep a few pieces untouched, though. I wanted to remind myself that the old me is dead."

"Whaa...?" said a confused Haruhi. "What do you mean by that?"

"I've changed my entire lifestyle! I'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist, I'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit!" responded Emiri. Everyone shivered at her sudden outburst, but stayed put. Emiri then lowered her head to floor and murmured something. Kyon couldn't quite hear her, but it sounded an awful lot like, 'Everyone will suffer now'. He shuddered.

"Say, Kimidori," said Taniguchi, stepping up towards Emiri, "Who's that on your bag?"

"Marilyn Manson," replied Emiri looking up.

"She looks creepy..." whispered Mikuru.

"Marilyn Manson is a man," Emiri spat, sending a soul-rending look at Mikuru. "I'll forgive you for your misinterpretation, though. I must say though Miss Asahina, you look very beautiful today."

"Really?"

"Yes. When I see you in the sun, you're as pretty as a swastika."

The poor girl's knees almost turned into jelly. Taniguchi saw the opportunity to run from the frightening situation, but something told him that if he made any sudden movements, Emiri would bite him. Or was that with reptiles?

"What's that in your hand, Miss Kimidori?" asked Kyon politely.

Emiri held out the papers and said nonchalantly, "Just some poetry I've been working on. They're really quite lovely. Would you all like to hear one?"

"Why not?" said a very uncomfortable Itsuki.

"Certainly!" cried a bubbly Ryoko. "Don't you want to hear one of Emiri's poems, Yuki?"

Yuki stared at Ryoko as if the blunette had told her she was a dinosaur. But Yuki nodded anyways. Emiri allowed a small smile to creep up on her face and brought up the papers.

"Very well. I shall read you a poem I call "Emiri's Solution". I hope you all have as much fun hearing it as I did writing it."

Haruhi, Kyon, and the rest all smiled, despite the fact that they knew they most definitely NOT going to enjoy it. A second later, Emiri began to read her poem in a voice as sweet as honey.

_"Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, a razorblade should do the trick_

_Slit my wrists, slit my wrists, give my skin a little nick,_

_Watch it flow, watch it flow, watch the red stain without a care,_

_Watch it flow, watch it flow, my life is oozing with despair."_

Looking up from the paper, Emiri stared at the group from of her in order to gauge their reactions. "Well? What did you all think?"

The teens stared at Emiri as if she had just sprouted fairy wings and a fuzzy tail. Their faces ranged from shock, disgust, confusion, and terror. None of them said anything. Then Haruhi stepped forward with a weak grin on her face.

"It was really............. creative! Yeah! Creative and expressive! It expressed your...... creativeness! What did you think, Tsuruya!"

Slightly pissed that Haruhi had put her in the spotlight, Tsuruya came forth to give some faux praise.

"Oh yeah! It was really, really good, nyoro! Your words made me picture all that blood in my head! It was also megas catchy! My favorite part was when it rhymed! Yeah...!"

Emiri seemed to mull over the compliments in her mind for a couple of seconds. Then she shrugged her shoulders and tucked the papers under her left arm. She turned away from them.

"Oh well. It doesn't matter to me whether you enjoyed my insightful musings or not. None of it will matter in the long run."

"What do you mean by that?" inquired Kyon.

Emiri turned her head over her shoulder and fixed an empty gaze on him. "Because in the long, none of what we've done will matter once we've expired. What's the point of continuing with your life if you're going to be bombarded with disappointment. We can only find eternal peace in the sweet embrace of death..."

There was a sudden chill in the hall.

"Well, anyways," piped up Emiri, "I've got to hurry along now. I've got some papers to copy for the Student Government. Farewell, everyone. May we all get together again, like scattered leaves on the forgotten pond of time!"

And with that, Emiri skipped away down the hall and out of sight.

An awkward silence befell the group.

"What the hell just happened?" asked a very disturbed Taniguchi.

"Perhaps it was a very vivid nightmare that all of us had at the same time," offered Kunikida, who was trying to make sense of the whole ordeal.

"That was no nightmare," said Itsuki. "That thing... was our very own Emiri Kimidori."

"Damn it!" yelled Kyon. "I knew something terrible would happen if you all mistreated her! Now look at her! Miss Kimidori has become one of them!"

Haruhi gasped. "No, Kyon! It's impossible! You don't mean-"

Kyon grabbed Haruhi by the shoulders and locked eyes with her. "IT'S ALL TRUE, HARUHI!!! THE SIGNS ARE CLEAR!!! EMIRI KIMIDORI HAS BECOME A CREATURE OF DARKNESS!!! SHE'S GONE.........."

He let go of Haruhi and turned to face everyone else. The next word that came out of his mouth was one that was dripping with extreme hatred.

"Emo."

And that's when Mikuru fainted.

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**A/N: Oh, Emiri! You silly scamp! Who knows what sort of trouble you'll get yourself into! Ha ha ha ha ha!**

**Now if you'll excuse me everyone, I'm going to go write some poetry and slit my wrists.**

**Read & Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, let's see how Emiri's classmates are handling the new her. Heh heh heh...**

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Out of all the challenges the SOS Brigade had thrown at them, nothing compared to the sheer absurdity of Emiri's personality change. Everywhere she went, Emiri left a trail of dumbfounded teachers and frightened teens. It was without a doubt, the oddest week in the history of high school.

Here's a few honorable mentions of how Emiri's new life style affected everyone...

***

Haruhi was in the clubroom by herself updating their site at lunch when Emiri came in.

"Good day, Emiri!" said Haruhi from her chair.

"What's so good about it?" moaned Emiri.

Haruhi watched as Emiri went towards the window and looked at the ground below. Many kids were walking about and talking with their friends.

"Watcha staring at, Emiri?" asked Haruhi.

"Oh, just observing the masses and their suffering," Emiri said calmly.

"Suffering?"

"Yes. Look at them all. They go about their business with the venomous essence of life coursing through their bodies. How I long to go down there and squeeze every last drop of poison out of them. What do you think?"

Haruhi didn't answer. She was ready bolting out the door.

***

Yuki walked into the library afterschool and found a secluded table spot to read. It was after she had read ten pages that she noticed Emiri was standing behind her.

"Hello, Kimidori," Yuki greeted, trying not to show the fact that she was a little unnerved that Emiri had snuck up on her.

"Salutations, Nagato," Emiri said flatly. She walked by Yuki's chair and faced a shelf full of books, hands held behind her back.

"Hey, Nagato..." Emiri said without turning.

Yuki didn't look up from her book. "What?"

"Could you tell me the definition of the word, 'murder'?"

Now Yuki stopped reading. She closed her book and folded her hands across her lap.

"Murder. The act of killing another living being with usually malignant intent. Looked upon as a serious crime in which the perpetrator should be subject to the harshest punishments."

"So killing another living creature would count as murder?"

"Yes."

"Hmmm............ Let me ask another question. If you ate an animal cracker, would that qualify as murder?"

"No. An animal cracker has the appearance of a living animal, but is not alive in a technical sense."

"So if it looks alive, but actually isn't, then it isn't murder?"

"Yes."

It was at this point that Emiri turned her head over her left shoulder and gave Yuki a smile that sent chills down the petite girl's spine.

"Say, Nagato..."

"Yes?"

"Are we truly alive?"

That's when Yuki got up, turned around, walked out of the library, and decided that future conversations with Emiri should be done when Ryoko was in the vicinity.

***

Emiri was sitting on a park bench, contemplating the existence of the universe, when Taniguchi and Kunikida saw her.

"Hello, Kimidori!" said Kunikida, waving at her.

"Yeah, what's up?" followed up Taniguchi.

Emiri didn't respond. She continued to sit as still as a statue. That's when Kunikida noticed that both of Emiri's eyes were closed.

"Is she asleep?" asked Taniguchi, feeling a bit creeped out.

"I don't think so..." replied Kunikida, who had began to examine the alien girl. It was when the wind blew some of her hair to the right that they saw the headphones on her ears.

"Oh. She's just listening to some music," said Kunikida, relieved that Emiri wasn't in a trance and trying to summon demons from the netherworld.

"I wonder what she's listening to?" wondered Taniguchi. And before Kunikida could stop him, Tahiguchi lifted the headphone off of Emiri's left ear.

Big mistake.

"PRICK YOUR FINGER, IT IS DONE, THE MOON HAS NOW ECLIPSED THE SUN!!! ANGEL HAS SPREAD IT'S WINGS, THE TIME HAS COME FOR BITTER THINGS!!!"

Taniguchi dropped the headphone and grabbed his ears. Kunikida copied his action. The song lyrics were almost loud enough to shatter the human eardrum, but Emiri sat there like she was listening to a lullaby. Then Emiri spoke.

"Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Manson............" she said in an almost orgasmic sigh. "Shower me with your dark ambitions and carnal desires..."

Taniguchi and Kunikida backed away slowly and soon broke out into a run.

***

Tsuruya was drinking some juice in the cafeteria when all of a sudden, Mikuru walked over to her seat and sat next to her. Judging by her puffy eyes and sniffling, it obvious that Mikuru had been crying.

"What's wrong?" asked Tsuruya wrapping a comforting arm around her friend.

"I-I-I-It was M-M-Miss K-K-Kimidori! She said some really m-mean things to me, T-T-Tsuruya!" Mikuru sobbed.

"What did she tells you?" asked Tsuruya, wondering what Emiri had done to traumatize her best pal.

The red-head swallowed a bit before saying, "S-She told me that everybody h-hates me and that people only act nice to me when they w-w-want something! She said I have an inferiority complex!"

Tsuruya's face went livid. "Stay here Mikuru! I'm gonna go talks to that gargoyle and give her a mega piece of my mind!"

She handed Mikuru a tissue and stomped away from her classroom. The smoked-cheese lover made her way into Emiri's classroom which was two rooms away. She soon spotted her quarry sitting in a shady corner of the room reading a book.

"HEY! Emiri!" shouted Tsuruya.

Emiri lifted her head to see two yellow eyes glaring at her green ones. "Mmmm?"

"Why did you makes Mikuru cry? Why did you say all that stuff to her, ya big, fat meanie?!"

"Because it's true."

A large vein in Tsurya's forehead became evident. She restrained the urge to latch onto Emiri's neck with her mouth and shake her like a ragdoll.

"What gives ya the right to say that to other people?!" growled Tsuruya.

"This book on psychology," said Emiri holding up the book she was reading. "It's really quite fascinating. I read through it and decided to diagnosis Mikuru. Obviously she didn't like hearing the truth."

"You didn't have to sound like a bully, ya know!" yelled Tsuruya.

Emiri cocked her head to the side and frowned. "I understand your rage Tsuruya. After all, you do suffer from disorganized schizophrenia."

Awkward silence.

"What...?

"Disorganized schizophrenia. You exhibit most of the signs. You burst into unexplained fits of chronic laughter, you have no goals in life, you are easily swayed by the opinions of others, and you hallucinate occasionally."

"I DON'T HALLUCINATE!!"

"What about the time you saw the flying blocks of smoked cheese?"

"THAT WAS A FUNNY DREAM I HAD!!!"

"Sounds like someone's in denial. Don't worry, Tsuruya. Others may shun you for your odd speech and mentally unstable behavior, but I shall remain at your side in this time of tragedy."

A few minutes later, Tsuruya walked back to her seat with Mikuru, wearing a blank look on her face.

"Well?" asked Mikuru. "Did you talk to Miss Kimidori?"

Tsuruya stared at Mikuru.

Then she buried her face in the nape of Mikuru's neck in loud, choking sobs.

***

Ryoko was heading past the SOS Brigade clubroom when she saw an interesting sight. Itsuki and Kyon were sitting at the table staring at a piece of paper. Kyon held it in his hands like he was examining counterfeit money.

"What are you two doing?" asked the curious knife-fetishist, entering the room.

"Trying to make sense of this poem Emiri left behind..." drawled Kyon.

"She read it earlier to us at lunch and left it behind. It was.... Confusing, to say the least," mused Itsuki.

"Mind if try?" offered Ryoko. The chosen boy looked at her for a moment before tossing the paper her way.

"Knock yourself out."

Ryoko snatched the paper and gave it a once over. It was considerably longer than Emiri's previous poem. It was entitled "My Aching Soul".

_How creative... _thought Ryoko dryly, still wondering how the hell someone like Emiri was ranked higher than her. She began to read it aloud.

_"A wilted flower such as I,_

_Trapped in a dying garden I am._

_No idea where I am going,_

_I follow where the black wind blows to._

_Souls of the damned tell me to kill,_

_I release my inner anguish by cutting myself._

_Why can't you see,_

_That I have risked my life for you?_

_Heaven is a nightclub and I want in,_

_But my body shall be consumed by the flames of hell._

_I don't care about you._

_Happiness is for douchebags._

_I love hate, but I hate love._

_My name is Emiri,_

_And green in Japanese is Kimidori."_

Ryoko blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

"The fuck?"

"Yeah, we were confused as well," said Itsuki. "I'm not sure what she was going for."

Kyon sighed deeply. "It's sounds as though she wrote the whole thing down in two minutes... I felt like I was trapped in "My Chemical Romance" reject album!"

Ryoko read the paper over again and shuddered. It DID sound like a really bad Goth song. Only without the talent or rhythm.

_Geez, Emiri... _thought Ryoko,_ I know all poems don't have to rhyme, but you could have at least tried. None of it flows together at all. Every line ends in a completely different sound. 'I', 'am', 'going', 'to', 'kill'......_

Ryoko's eyebrows suddenly rose until they were aligned with her forehead. Then she reread the poem. She gasped.

"Guys!" Ryoko shouted. "This isn't a poem!"

"Huh?" said Kyon.

Ryoko grabbed a pencil on the table, and drew a line on the paper the poem was written on. She stuck it towards the two boys.

"READ IT!!!"

Kyon and Itsuki saw that Ryoko had made her line through every last word of the sentences. Itsuki took it into his hands and brought it towards his face and Kyon's. Both saw that the lined words were in fact a message: _I'm going to kill myself. See you in hell, you douchebags. Love, Emiri Kimidori._

"Crap!" cursed Kyon. "Where did she go?!"

"Let's check the Student Government room!" suggested Itsuki. The trio ran out the door and made their way to their destination. Kyon, Itsuki and Ryoko threw the door open and froze.

"SICK!!!"

"Good lord......"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, wearing a bored look, was Emiri. Upon noticing the door flying open, her dull, green eyes rose to observe the ruckus. She was leaning her head against a desk, with her right hand stroking her chin. Emiri looked completely fine......... if you ignored the four razor-sharp spears sticking out of her torso and the ever-growing puddle of blood she was sitting in.

"Do you need something?" inquired Emiri, talking in a voice that sounded like she was only asking about the weather.

"Miss Kimidori! Are you okay?!" shouted Kyon, unsure of whether or not to run over and yank out the protruding metal.

"I'm fine. I'm just performing an experiment," explained Emiri, tugging slightly at a spear embedded in her right breast.

"An experiment? What kind of theory are you testing then?" asked Ryoko, who looked a tad pale.

"To see if I could feel any kind of pain. It's a shame the Integrated Data Entity shut off my pain receptors. I can't feel a thing. ..........Hmmmmm. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing?" Emiri pondered, the spears in her chest jiggling as she spoke.

"But why did you want us to stop you?" asked Itsuki. "If you were going to kill yourself, then why write a hidden message in your poem telling us where to find you?"

Emiri stopped probing at a spear lodged in her stomach and stared at the epser boy. "What message?"

"This!" yelled Itsuki, tossing the paper to her. Emiri caught it and stared at the addition Ryoko had made. She looked at the paper for at least a minute. Then something truly frightening happened.

Emiri started to laugh.

And laugh some more.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Emiri laughed in a jolly tone. "Well, what do you know! It DOES spell out a message! I had no idea! Hee hee!"

As Emiri continued to giggle, Itsuki and Ryoko looked at Kyon. Itsuki had a stupefied look on his face and his arms hung limply at his sides. Ryoko was moving her right hand near her head in a circle, index finger pointed out, obviously doing the famed 'cuckoo' pose. Kyon performed his trademark facepalm.

They had to do something.

_Fast._

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**A/N: Sometimes when I write, I scare myself. Is that good or bad?**

**Read & Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: What do you do when a friend has a problem? Throw them a PARTY!!! Or an intervention. Either way works.**

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The moment Emiri entered the clubroom she knew she was in trouble. The entire Brigade and its honorary members were all sitting on steel folding chairs arranged in a circle. The door locked behind her. She spun around to glare at Ryoko and Yuki.

"You told me were going to go to a "My Chemical Romance" concert!" she complained as they ushered her into a chair.

"We lied," said Yuki breathlessly.

"You mean I bought all those Glow-sticks for nothing?! What is this, you traitors?!" shrieked Emiri.

"It's an intervention, Emiri. We want back the old you," explained Ryoko. "This new you just isn't, well.... you."

"We miss the old Kimidori," said Kyon. "The one who always took the time to ask how everybody was and who liked baking cookies."

"Sorry to break it to you, Kyon, but I no longer enjoy baking cookies. Or any other pastries for that manner. Eating sweets makes people feel happy. And I loathe happiness," said Emiri.

"Don't be like that, Miss Kimidori!" shouted Mikuru. "I always thought you were great just the way you were!"

From her seat, Emiri scoffed and turned away. Kyon frowned and took a compact mirror out of his pocket.

"Please, Miss Kimidori! Look at yourself! See the girl in this mirror? She isn't who you're supposed to be! She's made of hair and bone and little teeth, and things I cannot speak. She comes on like a crippled plaything, spine is just a stri-"

Kyon's eyes went wide and he slapped his forehead in annoyance."Damn it, Kimidori! Now you've got me quoting Marilyn Manson!!!"

From their places, Itsuki, Ryoko, Taniguchi, and Tsuruya giggled.

"C'mon! The old Kimidori was always smiling and brightening up people's lives," said Haruhi. "This new one is terrifying small children! Not to mention the fact that you've somehow managed to become even more annoying than Mikuru!"

From her chair, Mikuru squeaked in anger.

"Really?" said Emiri, who suddenly felt a small pang of guilt. "I thought people would prefer the new me over the old one..."

"No," chimed in Yuki, "We've always preferred your old personality. You were actually quite pleasant to be around. We just didn't realize it until now. We took you for granted."

"You mean it? You're not just saying that to make me feel better are you?" asked the gothic girl.

"Miss Kmidori," said Itsuki, locking eyes with her, "Let's be honest now. Do you like writing scary poetry and wearing all that makeup?"

"I......... guess not. Coming up with a word that rhymes with 'raven's feather' is pretty annoying..."

"Do you like standing in line for raves at one in the morning?" asked Taniguchi.

"Not really. They keep offering me drugs."

"Does making Linkin Park AMVs and uploading them onto YouTube make you feel fulfilled?" asked Kunikida.

"No. Seven of them got taken down by WMG."

"Do you enjoy cutting yourself?" asked Mikuru.

"No. Cleaning up has gotten to be quite hassle in my schedule and I'm pretty sure there's a razor lodged somewhere inside me..."

"Is it easy coming up with random analogies everyone five minutes, nyoro?" asked Tsuruya?

"It is pretty difficult....."

"You see, Miss Kimidori!" exclaimed Kyon. "Being emo is not your style! You deserve to live life to the fullest and cherish every moment you have with your friends! What's the point of complaining about how much your life sucks if you're not going to do anything to improve it?"

"You're right, Kyon!" said Emiri standing up from her chair. "I am not going to be emo any more! This hair dye was expensive anyways! And the people at Hot Topic were really snooty to me! I don't even like this eyeliner! It's itchy!"

"That's the spirit!" shouted Haruhi, pumping a fist into the air. Everyone got up and gave their new friend a big group hug. It was incredibly corny and cheesy, but they did it anyway.

After a few minutes of hugging, Emiri spoke up. "Does this mean I get to be a main character?"

"Nope!" said Haruhi.

"DAMN!!!"

***

**A Week Later...**

***

Emiri sighed to herself as she poured a cup of tea. It had only been a week, and things had gone back to the exact same way as before. Haruhi and her little Brigade still treated her like dirt on their shoes (Except Kyon). It was like one of those kid shows where everyone had their little lesson at the end, only to forget it all the next episode. Now here she was at her cafe job, feeling lower than a snail's navel.

_At least when I was emo, people noticed me... _Emiri thought to herself as she placed a blueberry muffin on a plate. Taking the tray holding the muffin, three cups of tea, and a black coffee off the counter, Emiri shuffled over to a booth in the corner to complete her order.

_Oh well... At least my interest in music has increased..._

"Here's your order," she said emotionlessly. The four patrons looked up expectedly.

"Thank you!" cried a girl with a charming smile and brown hair.

Emiri smiled back at Sasaki, Kyouko Tachibana, Fujiwara, and Kuyou Suou. Though she'd been assigned to observe their activities, Emiri had actually grown quite close to the quartet of foil characters. She practically saw them here every week. Besides Kyon, they were the only people who actually treated her like a real human being (so to speak). The may be 'evil', but they were pretty decent folks once you got to know them better.

"Is everything all right?" asked a sympathetic Kyouko from her spot next to Sasaki. Out of all of them, the esper was a good listener.

"Yeah, why the long face?" inquired Fujiwara after taking a sip from his coffee. "Did something happen, Kimidori?"

Emiri sighed. "It's okay. Everything's fine. Don't worry."

"It sounds like everything isn't fine," said Sasaki. "Sit down and talk to us about it. We'd be happy to listen."

"I-I don't know..."

"Please," said Kyouko, "Don't think of us as enemies. Think of us as a group of personal friends who only want to offer you our support. Kuyou, make some room for Emiri, okay?"

Kuyou scooted over and made some room in the booth. Feeling a bit better, Emiri sat down and looked at the small girl with the enormous hairdo. She wore a blank look, but her eyes had a tint of compassion in them.

"______________ Talk,_______________" said Kuyou.

Sighing, Emiri began to tell the foursome about the events that had transpired last week. She told them about her need for attention, the music, the poetry, and the intervention. It took about three minutes. When she was finished, all four teens wore looks of shock and understanding.

"Oh my goodness!" said Kyouko. "That's so sad! I can't believe they said such mean things to you!"

"How__________ awful...." agreed Kuyou.

"What a bunch of punks!" snarled Fujiwara. "So obsessed with their own popularity, that they don't give a damn about anyone other than themselves. Disgusting."

"Well, pride is the most wicked of all the sins..." mused Sasaki, popping a blueberry from her muffin into her mouth. "At least Kyon wasn't blinded by vanity like everyone else."

"Thank you for listening, guys," said a very relived Emiri. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

"Hey! I've got an idea, everyone!" said Kyouko. "Why don't we let Emiri join our little group! It'll be fun!"

"That sounds like a plan!" sided Fujiwara. Right to him, Kuyou nodded her head.

"Why not?" said Sasaki. "We could always use another friend when we play Ultimate Frisbee. What do you say, Emiri? Want to join the Anti-SOS Brigade?"

Emiri couldn't believe it. Here were people who actually wanted to hang out with her. This sense of being wanted felt wonderful.

"Yes! I want to join your group!" shouted Emiri. Everyone at the table cheered.

There a moment of silence, before Kyouko leaned over the table to face Emiri.

"Well, now that that's out of the way," said Kyouko smiling sweetly, "What are the Agency and the Integrated Data Entity up to these days? Hmmm?"

***

**The Next Day...**

***

Kyon walked up to his classroom. Club activities were over and he was on his way home. Or at least he had been, until he spotted a note taped onto his shoe cubby. It was written in pink ink with little hearts dotting the 'i's. Cute.

_I want to talk to you. Meet me in your classroom. A friend. _it had said.

Hand now on the knob of the door, Kyon entered the sunlight-filled room.

"You got my note? Great!" squealed a voice filled with cheer.

"Good afternoon, Miss Kimidori," greeted Kyon.

The wavy-haired Humanoid Interface smiled happily at Kyon, before walking towards the center of the room. Her green eyes sparkled with glee.

"Why don't you come in?" she said, keeping her eyes on him the whole time. Kyon took a few more steps into the room, before freezing mid-step.

_I feel like this has happened before... Déjà Vu? _

Emiri noticed Kyon's hesitant step and asked, "Is there something wrong?"

"Oh... nothing. What did you want to talk to me about?" replied Kyon.

"I wanted to say thank you for all your help last week, Kyon. You were the one who organized that intervention for me. For that I am grateful," Emiri said with a bow.

Kyon smiled. "Well I'm glad you're happy once again. I'm still pretty upset that Haruhi and the others still won't hang out with you, though..."

To his surprise, Emiri chuckled. "That's okay, Kyon. I don't mind. I already made some new friends of my own. You may have already met them. You went to school with one of them when you were younger. They're all very kind. Especially Sasaki."

Kyon's eyes widened. "You mean you're now friends with-"

"Yup!" chirped Emiri, cutting off Kyon's sentence, "I'm now part of the Anti-SOS Brigade!"

Kyon was speechless. He'd hoped that Emiri would find some people to hang out with, but he hadn't counted on THIS.

"Would that friendship even hold out? I mean, what if the Intergraded Data Entity found out you were socializing with the enemy? Huh? What then?" questioned Kyon.

Emiri's response was a loud boisterous laugh. "Ha ha ha! That's the beauty of it, Kyon! I no longer serve the Integrated Data Entity. You're looking at the newest member of the Sky Canopy Dominion!"

Kyon's stomach lurched.

"W-W-W-What?!"

Emiri began to walk towards Kyon. She still wore that serene smile on her face. Kyon felt like running, but his legs wouldn't let him. It was like he was paralyzed. Now he remembered why this situation felt familiar. He'd had a similar conversation like this before... with Ryoko.

"I decide it was time to upgrade, Kyon. Kuyou was nice enough to provide me with a different data link. Sasaki's friends have some _very_ interesting plans involving Haruhi Suzumiya. I was unsure at first, but then I gradually began to see that Sasaki would be a much better carrier of Haruhi's powers. Don't you agree, Kyon?" explained Emiri, while cupping the left side of Kyon's cheek in her hand.

"Why did you ask me to come here?" asked Kyon nervously.

Emiri seemed surprised for a second, but then started smiling again. "Because Kyon... You were the only person who cared about me. It that was that compassion of yours that convinced me to have Sasaki's group spare you and your family. You're a very nice person. Oh, and the Computer Club. They're really nice to me sometimes, too."

Emiri's statement sent shivers down Kyon's spine. "Ummm...... Miss Kimidori? Where are Sasaki and her friends right now?"

The alien placed a hand under her chin and furrowed her brow. After about ten seconds, her expression brightened.

"Oh! I remember now! At this moment, they're probably................. attacking the Agency, the Integrated Data Entity, and Mikuru's superiors right about now!"

Kyon's jaw dropped.

"WHAAAT?!"

Emiri shrugged and pointed out the window. "See for yourself."

Kyon looked out the window and almost crapped his pants. The city looked like a warzone. People were fleeing in terror, buildings were on fire, gunshots were ringing out, and the sky was alive with espers. He turned to Emiri.

"Oh, don't worry, " said an eerily calm Emiri, "Were only going after Haruhi's groups. The citizens of Japan will not be harmed."

_**KABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!**_

A loud explosion suddenly erupted from downtown.

"What the hell was that?" asked a terrified Kyon.

"Oh, that? It's probably Kuyou. I think she needs my assistance. Yuki and Ryoko were always fighters. I guess it's my time to shine!" grinned Emiri. Kyon watched she held out her right arm. Particles of light became visible and took shape.

_Is she summoning a weapon like Asakura? _thought Kyon. _A knife maybe?_

In five seconds Emiri's weapon became solid and Kyon almost fainted. It wasn't a knife like he thought.

It was a chainsaw.

On fire.

"Well, Kyon I have to run. My friends need me now. Thanks for helping me find out where I belong!" Emiri said happily. She brushed past Kyon and gave him a tiny peck on the cheek. Kyon broke out his stupor and stared at her.

Emiri smiled."See you later!"

And then bounced out of the classroom, chainsaw revving all the while.

Kyon slowly walked into the hallway and watched her go. The entire world was doomed and he was partially at fault. What was he supposed to do now?

"You're......... welcome?" he shouted after her.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this. And if you already read this than I hope you enjoyed reading it again. Come to think of it, the only characters who I can think of that are even more minor than Emiri are that boy who had a crush on Yuki, the girl who's dog was infected by data-lifeforms, the President of the Student Government, and Imouto's friend Miyoko from the light novels. ****But then again, none of them have ever been animated, huh?**

**See ya!**

**Read & Review!**


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